Beautiful Disaster
by StoriesofJelliot
Summary: My first Scrubs fic. JD/Elliot. It's set in Season 7. Basically, JD and Elliot deal with the obstacles they face to find their way back to each other for good. Chapter Three now up!
1. The Moment of Change pt1

Beautiful Disaster

_Chapter One_

_The Moment of Change pt. 1_

It had been a typical, nothing-special day at Sacred Heart Hospital. Dr. Cox had ranted, Janitor had tormented, the Todd had offended, Dr. Kelso had yelled, Ted had contemplated suicide, Carla had lectured, and Turk…well, Turk had done several dances.

Nothing unusual.

JD gave his patient a final smile and handed her chart to the nearest nurse. "Well, I'm done for tonight, Ms. Lancing, but I'll be back to check on you bright and early tomorrow. And by then, I'm hoping these meds will start doing their job, and we can talk about when you're getting out of here. How's that sound?"

"Sounds great, Dr. Dorian. And thank you, you've been great."

JD gave her his understated, 'cool guy' nod. "Just doin' my job, ma'am."

He strutted out of the room, only to find Elliot outside the door, laughing at him.

"What, may I ask, is so funny?"

She put on a fake macho expression and said, in a mocking tone, "_Just doin' my job, ma'am._ You sound like a bad movie about…cops or firemen or something."

In his smuggest voice, JD replied, "Excuse me, _Dr. Reid_, but I was just accepting a compliment. Perhaps you're not used to it."

"Oh, very funny. You're hysterical."

He smiled at her. "You off work?"

"Yep. You?"

"Hells yeah I am. I feel like I haven't had a Friday night off in forever."

"Well, Turk and Carla are taking Izzie to see Turk's parents. You want to hang out? Grab a drink or something? We haven't done anything just us in forever."

They had begun walking away from the nurse's station. "That sounds awesome, but Kim's bringing Sammy over. In fact…" He glanced at his watch. "She's probably already waiting in the apartment."

Elliot gave the obligatory _aw _that happened anytime JD mentioned his son. Then she said, "We'll do it some other time, then. You have Sammy all weekend?"

"Yeah. I've got to leave him with a baby-sitter during my shift tomorrow, but I switched shifts so I could have all Sunday with him."

Elliot smiled up at JD as they came to the door and walked into the parking lot. "I think it's great that you make so much time to see Sammy."

"I just want to make sure I spend as much time with him as possible when I have a chance."

She instinctively put a hand on his arm and rubbed it lightly, almost automatically. "It must be hard, him being so far away…"

"Yeah, it is. But Kim's been great, making it work without having to go into custody battle or something." They walked in comfortable silence until JD reached the car his brother had given him, now with an un-cracked windshield. Elliot waved a little and started to continue to her own car, when JD had a thought. "Hey…why don't you come over?"

Elliot stopped walking and looked back at him. "Like…now?"

"Yeah! I mean, you haven't really hung out with Sam much, and I want him to get to know all my friends."

Elliot's face lit up. JD almost laughed; he could almost see her thinking _Baby!_ over and over again. "That'd be great. I'll be over in a minute."

JD got into the drivers seat and waved at Elliot through the window.

Kim was parked outside his building when he got there. She got out of the car when she saw him pull into the parking space. JD raced over just as Kim was getting Sam out of his car seat in the back. "Here's daddy, Sammy, look!" She glanced over at him. "Hey, JD."

"Hi." He planted a quick kiss on Kim's cheek; he was proud of them: there was very little awkwardness between them. Maybe having a kid just made all that go away. JD reached out his arms for his son. "There's my big boy! Daddy missed you!" Sam gurgled happily up at his father.

Kim was handing over a diaper bag and the few things she always packed when Sam came to stay with JD; a lot of the baby stuff had been left at JDs apartment. When JD had all the equipment, Kim leaned down to kiss her son, speaking softly to him. "You be good for Daddy, now, okay? Mommy's gonna miss you, yes she is."

She smiled at JD before getting back in the car. "I'll be back for him Sunday night, okay?"

"Yeah, no problem."

"You boys be good now."

JD lifted Sam's tiny arm as Kim drove off. "Wave bye-bye to Mommy, Sam. It's just you and me this weekend."

Elliot had pulled into a parking space across the street just after JD, but she'd hung back, waiting until Kim left to get out and head across.

JD was still talking to Sam when he spotted her. "Look, Sammy, it's Aunt Elliot. We talked about her, remember, she's the one who talks really fast that Daddy used to sleep with."

Elliot ignored him as soon as she got a good look at Sam. "_Awwww_. Oh my God, you are just the cutest thing in the entire world!"

"Well, thank you, Elliot, but you should really be paying attention to Sammy…"

She spared him a momentary Look before returning her attention to Sam. "He's _adorable_. Can I hold him? "

JD thought momentarily of Turk's 'ball catching drill', but shook it off. He trusted Elliot. "Sure." He shifted the diaper bag awkwardly to pass Sam to Elliot.

She took him gently, almost nervously, as though she, too, was thinking of Turk's refusal to let her hold Izzie, JD gave her a reassuring smile. Once she had Sam comfortably cradled in her arms, Elliot looked down at him with an almost awed expression. JD's expression softened as he watched her, a smile tugging at his lips.

"C 'mon, let's get inside."

She barely nodded, still seemingly mesmerized by the baby in her arms. JD held the door open and they headed up to his apartment.

Elliot sat on the couch, shifting Sammy to a more comfortable position in her laugh. He babbled happily up at her, causing Elliot to laugh delightedly.

"He likes you." JD told her.

"Yeah? " She sounds surprised.

" Of course he does. Hey, I'm going to get some stuff ready in his room, okay?"

" No problem."

JD disappeared out of the living, and Elliot leaned forward, tickling Sam's nose with the edge of his blanket, making funny faces at him.

Sam reached out with his tiny hand and curled his fingers around Elliot's finger. She stared, marveling at how small every fingernail on Sammy's finger was. "You've got a good grip, buddy. You must get your strength from your mommy." Elliot chuckled to herself at the joke, and Sam's big blue eyes, identical to his father's, seemed to smile up at her. "You're a little macho man." She started to sing. "Macho, macho, macho man. I've got to be a macho-"

Sam's eyes crinkled a little and he laughed.

Elliot froze, staring at him, surprised. It was small, awkward, and hiccupy, but that had definitely been a laugh, a real laugh. Sam looked almost surprised himself that such a sound had come from him.

" JD! "

He appeared in the doorway to Sam's nursery, eyebrows raised. "Something wrong? "

" No, just...he laughed, JD! A real, like, _person_ laugh! "

JD 's eyes widened. " He's never done that before! "

" I was just sitting here, singing to him and he started laughing! Watch. . ." Elliot started singing again. "Macho, macho, macho man!" Sam giggle, louder this time. Elliot looked up, delighted, at JD.

JD broke into a huge grin. " That's incredible. Hold on, I'll be right back. . ." He disappeared into the bedroom again.

He returned to the doorway, his video camera out, directed at where Elliot and Sam sat on the couch. Elliot was looking at Sam, laughing, and didn't see him standing there.

Just before JD spoke, the view from the tiny screen sticking out of the video camera stopped him. He didn't know if it was the difference in the view, or just because he was _really_ paying attention, but the sight of Elliot, holding his son, smiling and playing with him so naturally, tugged at his heart suddenly, and made breathing a momentary struggle.

He stood there silently, his camera trained on them, zooming in as close as it let him, just watching. He often felt warm and fuzzy around Sammy, but this was beyond this. This was something. . .he didn't have a name (or a cliché) for _this_.

Elliot glanced up and caught sight of him. She broke into laughter at the sight of the video camera. "Oh, man, you're one of _those_ dads, aren't you? Recording every little moment."

JD's smile was clumsy as he fought to shake himself out of the daze. He found his voice, and retorted with, "Shut up. I may not get a lot of the firsts. This is a point for me." He walked closer, sitting next to them on the couch, just far enough away to keep filming. "Now make him laugh again. . ."

He was dying to say it, but he waited until they'd spent the first few minutes with pleasantries and talking to Sam. Then, JD couldn't wait any longer, "He's laughing! He laughed on Friday night, for the first time."

He had been half afraid that she would report that he'd already been doing it, but could tell instantly by the look on Kim's face that he hadn't. "Seriously? He laughed?"

JD nodded. "It 's incredible. . ."

Kim reached out for Sam. "Hey, big boy. Will you laugh for Mommy? Hmmm?"

" He really likes it when you sing."

"Uh, okay. " Kim paused, looking a little awkward, then began to sing, " I 've got sunshine. . .on a cloudy day. When it 's cold outside, I got the month of May. I guess you'd say- " She stopped abruptly, disappointed. "He 's not laughing for me."

"Here let me try. . ." JD moved a little closer and began singing "Land down under". He was barely into the second line when Sam giggle. He had gotten much better at it over the weekend.

Kim gave an amazed gasp. "Oh. . .my God! That was amazing. . .I wish he'd laugh for me, though."

"Don 't feel bad, it took me awhile to get him to laugh, too." JD took Sam back, planting a kiss on top of his son's head, already disappointed that he'd be leaving soon.

" Who made him laugh the first time? "

"Elliot. She was hanging out on Friday." He remembered something. "Hey, I 've got a tape. Not of the first time, but at least the second, if you want to see."

"Of course, that'd be great."

He went over to the VCR and pulled out the video tape; he hadn't watched it yet.

The image that had made JD pause for so long on Friday filled the screen. He instantly smiled, his eyes glued to the TV. The camera seemed to close in on Elliot and Sam as he had zoomed in. The only sound on screen was the quiet murmur of Elliot 's voice; the sound quality wasn't good enough to make out what she was saying from the distance.

JD barely noticed how long he'd lingered on that image.

Then Elliot was looking at the camera and laughing. "Oh, man, you're one of _those_ dads, aren't you? Recording every little moment."

Then it was his own voice, louder since it was coming from behind the camera." Shut up. I may not get a lot of the firsts. This is a point for me." Kim gave him an amused look, but he barely noticed. He really _was_ getting closer to them now, as the picture shook a little, obviously as he'd sat down on the couch. "Now make him laugh again. . ."

"Okay. Before I was singing Macho Man, but let 's see if something else will work." She seemed to be thinking, then said. "Okay, here goes. . ." Facing Sammy again, Elliot began to sing. "That's the way, Uh-huh, uh-huh, I like it, uh-huh, uh-huh. . ." The camera slid down just to Sam, who was giggling.

" That is _so_ awesome.", came JD's voice. "Here. . ." Two fingers momentarily obscured the lens as JD handed the camera over. "Let me try. . ." There JD was onscreen, placing Sam in his lap, facing him. "She's just a small town girl. Living in a _lonely_ world. . ." He continued all the way through that verse. "He 's not laughing."

Now it was Elliot's voice that was behind the camera. "Maybe he'll only laugh for me! "

" Maybe my singing is _great_, while yours is so bad it 's _hilarious_."

"Oh, right, Elliot can't sing. . .what an _original_ joke, Mr. Theatre Camp."

On the screen, JD looked up, somewhere above the camera. "I 'll have you know I am not at all ashamed of theatre camp. I made great memories there, and I honed a _great_ talent."

"Right, and how was your performance as a tree? "

"Okay, I was a tree, but it was in the _Wizard of Oz_. It's not like. . . 'oh, ha ha ha, JD was just a piece of scenery'. The tree was a _character_. I had to throw an apple at Dorothy."

"And you missed Dorothy and hit a member of the audience."

There was a pause. Then, JD said stiffly. "I was not aware I 'd told you that story."

Elliot started laughing, and suddenly the only thing the camera was showing was the pattern of JDs couch; he smiled a little, remembering Elliot practically laying down, she had been laughing so hard. Gradually, he joined in, and his voice was still full of laughter as he said, "Give me that!" The normal image returned, and suddenly JD was trying to focus a view from in front of the couch; he put the camera on a stack of medical books.

Then he was falling down on the couch next to Elliot, who had Sam again. "Okay, I'm going to _try_ to sing like you. In other words, _bad_."

"Oh, shut up, JD, I doubt babies have any idea is something is _exactly one hundred percent _on pitch! "

" Fine, well let's sing something together and then I can do it by myself. Like a transition."

" Fine." They went through verses of "All Star ", " We Are the Champions " and "Tubthumping ", almost losing sight of _why _they were singing, when Elliot suddenly stopped.

"Hey. . .I think somebody's tired out."

"Well, I am a _little _tired, but I'm good for another few-"

"Not _you_." She indicated Sam, falling asleep in her arms.

"Oh. . . JD watched as, onscreen, he moved closer. Elliot was smiling gently down at Sam.

JD was surprised, watching the video, with the expression he was looking at Elliot with. The depth of tenderness in his face was something he'd thought only Sam could inspire. But his eyes were clearly on her.

He was suddenly very aware of the fact that he was watching this with Kim. For awhile there, he'd forgotten the reason for turning the video on. He cleared his throat loudly and pointed the remote at the TV. The image onscreen disappeared into blackness.

He turned to look at Kim. "Pretty cool, huh?"

"Mmmm." JD couldn't really read her expression.

To fill the silence, he told her, "Sam didn't laugh for me until Saturday, so you know. . .don't give up hope."

She smiled, finally. "I won't. So, you never mentioned you and Elliot are together."

"Huh?" He stared at her. "We, um. . .we aren't."

"JD." Kim's voice seemed half-exasperated, half-amused. "Look, you don't have to lie. I _want_ you to be happy with someone, I-"

"I'm serious. She just wanted to hang out with Sam a little."

"Oh." For some, Kim still looked unconvinced. Had she noticed the way he was looking at Elliot on that video? "Okay." Kim cast a deliberate look at her watch. "I'm sorry, JD, but we really need to go."

"Alright." Planting one last kiss on the top of Sam's head, he reluctantly handed him over. "I'll see you next time, buddy. Daddy loves you, okay?"

"I'll call you about next weekend, okay?"

"No problem." JD waved at his son as Kim closed the door.

He turned and sighed. He'd begun to get used to saying goodbye to Sam, but it didn't make it easier.

He sat on the couch, smiling to himself as he thought of Sam laughing. He'd missed the first smile. He was glad he'd have this memory with his son.

And with Elliot.

JD couldn't help but contemplate everything: the unnamed feeling he'd gotten the other night while watching her, the look he'd given her, caught on camera, and Kim's question, along with her obvious doubt even when he'd told the truth.

He impulsively grabbed the remote from the coffee table and turned the TV back on, pressing play.

He had forgotten, at first, that the video camera had been on. So he hadn't shut it off when they realized Sam was sleeping.

With the push of the button, they appeared onscreen again. He was still giving her that look.

"Wow." Elliot breathed, her eyes still on Sam, cradled in her arms. "He looks just like you, JD."

Onscreen, JD smiled. "I hope that's a good thing."

"It is." She looked up at him, smiling. "He's beautiful."

His voice was soft. "Thank you."

"What's it like?" They were both using hushed, whispery voices, because of Sam. "Being a parent?"

"It's. . .incredible. It's terrifying as hell, but. . .amazing. I never thought I could love anything this much, you know? Sometimes I just look at him and it scares the crap out of me. Because I just want to protect him, from every thing. From every paper cut and every broken heart and every disappointment. . .but I know I can't. So I'm just enjoying this part, when it feels like I can. So, yeah. . . being a parent is amazing. It's like nothing else."

Elliot smiled at him, and though the camera couldn't capture, JD remembered the slight sadness in her eyes. Then he was saying, "You'd be great at it. You _will _be great at it."

Then her eyes had smiled. "Thanks."

JD watched as, on the TV screen, Elliot lay her head on his shoulder. This wasn't anything unusual; they were best friends, and they thought nothing of hugging, or putting an arm around each others shoulders. But somehow, the image suddenly gave JD an understanding of what that feeling had been.

He paused the image at just the right moment; his onscreen counterpart was giving Elliot that Look again, the one full of tenderness and (now he could see it) _love_.

JD stared, transfixed, at his TV: Sam asleep in Elliot's arms, her head on his shoulder, him looking down at her.

They looked like a _family_.

His heart was pounding faster even as he looked at it. Because suddenly JD understood.

He hadn't been lying to Kim; he and Elliot were _not_ together.

But in that moment, he knew, without any amount of doubt, that he wanted them to be.


	2. The Moment of Change pt2

**Author's Note: Thanks to everyone who read and reviewed! I love reviews, they're my crack. So this is going to be a multi-chapter fic, not sure how long yet. This chapter's a little heavier, but hopefully it works. Review, please! **

_Chapter Two_

_The Moment of Change pt.2_

"Hey, JD, scoot!"

JD rolled over, slightly startled, and he instantly smiled when he saw who was knelt next to him, nudging him over in the already cramped cot.

"Hey, Smelliot."

"Oh, we're back on Smelliot? I thought you exhausted it?"

"I'm bringing it back." He shifted a little, letting her have more room than him. "You do realize there's an open bed right there." _My God, what are you complaining about!_, he asked himself the moment the words had left his mouth.

"I know, but I walked in earlier and the Todd was, um. . .having a little _too nice_ of a time in that bed. Creeps me out."

"Completely understandable." The top bunk in each set of bunk beds were occupied by heavily sleeping surgical attendings, while JD and Elliot occupied one of the bottom bunks.

He had been dead tired, but suddenly he didn't feel like sleeping. JD propped himself up on one elbow and looked down at her, snuggling close to him.

It had been two weeks since his massive epiphany regarding Elliot. He'd been on an emotional roller coaster (he loved that phrase, no matter what Dr. Cox said), debating whether or not to tell her how felt.

Sometimes he was certain he couldn't keep it in any longer. And why not? They were both single. This wasn't a case of him wanting her because she was with someone else. She'd broken off a wedding with Keith! And she'd done that (as the tiny narcissist voice in his head liked to remind him) right after their almost-kiss in the on-call room.

Sometimes, he was scared enough to promise himself he'd never say a word. Terrified of losing her friendship; they'd already taken the long road back to friendship twice before, and he had a feeling they couldn't survive more romantic ruin. Terrified of rejection, terrified it would all be over in the time it took for her to say "I'm sorry."

And terrified, most of all, of hurting her again. What if The Incident from three years ago repeated itself, and he changed his mind? He wouldn't put Elliot through that again. And as much as he convinced himself this was real, as much as he _felt_ it, he'd been sure last time.

And maybe he hadn't been wrong. Maybe, as always, he'd gotten scared of the commitment, scared of the relationship, and convinced himself otherwise.

Still. He wasn't sure if he was willing to take the risk.

So he had been trying to simply enjoy being around her, soaking up the little moments. But there had been few of them; it seemed like their shifts always conflicted, and he was spending more time visiting Sammy for a few hours at a time than he was keeping Sam at the house, so there had been no opportunity for a repeat of that night.

In fact, JD was sure Elliot wasn't supposed to be here at the hospital now. And, as always, he ruined the quiet moment by saying exactly what came to mind. "Hey, what are you still doing here? Didn't clock out at five?" _Stupid_!

She rolled over, an appraising look on her face. "You've actually been listening to Dr. Cox, haven't you? About all that private practice sell-out crap?"

"No!" The look in her eyes surprised him; beneath the anger and defiance there was real hurt, and he realized that had made that a sensitive issue with her. "I'm sorry, I don't think that, it. . .it was a lame joke. Sorry."

To his relief, Elliot's face relaxed. "It's okay. I'm actually _not_ supposed to be here, but I've got this leukemia patient who was brought in for the first time in awhile and I want to be around in case something changes."

He smiled, glad she'd let that 'sell-out' comment go. Dr. Cox was wrong about Elliot not caring about her patients; this proved it. He even thought private practice had been the right move for her; Elliot used to struggle a little with bedside manner, and while she'd improved over the years, she was better than ever now that she was treating the same patients long-term, really bonding and forming relationships.

"That's nice of you.", he murmured absently, starting to settle back down on the cot. But Elliot suddenly sat up, her eyes sparkling.

"You want to meet her?"

"Huh?" JD sat up, too. "Your leukemia patient?"

"Yeah, I think she'd really like you." Elliot was already standing up and heading toward the door, an expectant look on her face.

JD stood, too, and followed her, thoroughly confused. Was she trying to _set him up_? His heart sank a little. _Elliot_ was trying to set him up with someone else. . .with her _cancer patient_. No way, that was ridiculous. But what if-

Elliot entered the patient's room, smiling back at him as he followed her, and JD instantly relaxed. A young girl, probably about seven but looking even younger somehow in her noticeably fragile state, was sitting in the hospital bed. She was thin, pale, and bald, with huge blue eyes that lit up as soon as Elliot walked in. "Elliot!"

"Hey, Jamie, I told you I wouldn't stay away long!" JD was surprised when Elliot walked over to the bedside and gave the little girl a warm hug. Jamie was absolutely beaming up at her. . . that is, until she caught sight of JD. Her smile dropped instantly, and she gave Elliot a frightened look. "What's _he_ here to do?"

"Oh, don't worry, Jamie, he's with me." She nodded a little for JD to come closer, dropping her voice to explain, "She's a little wary of new doctors." She turned back to the girl and explained, "He's not here to treat you, kiddo, I just thought he might like to meet you. JD's one of my best friends."

"Oh." Jamie's expression was still a little cautious as she regarded JD solemnly. "What's it stand for?"

JD took a seat next to the bed. "What's _what_ stand for?"

"Your name. JD."

"Oh. Those are my initials, they stand for John Dorian."

"I know about 'nitials. My brother's JP. It stands for Jacob Paul."

Elliot grinned fondly at Jamie. "Jamie's got _three _brothers at home, JD. One older, and two younger, right?"

Jamie nodded happily, leaning against Elliot a little. JD smiled.

"That's pretty cool. I've only got one brother."

"Older or younger?"

"He's older."

"Do you _like_ having a brother?"

JD gave it some thought. "Yeah, I guess I do. When I was a kid, we always tortured each other, though."

Jamie's big blue eyes glowed with interest. "Really, like how?"

"Oh, pretty much the usual. Wedgies, Indian burns. One time, I snuck into his room and stole all his underwear and stuck it in the freezer. And another time, he had a bunch of friends over for a campout in the yard, and I went out and stuck his hand in warm water so he wet himself."

Elliot was looking at him skeptically. "_JD_."

He tried to maintain an innocent expression, then sighed, admitting, "Okay, so it was him doing both those things to me."

Jamie was giggling. "You're funny."

"I like to think so."

Jamie tilted her head up to look at Elliot. "I like him."

Elliot laughed a little. "I thought you would. You wanna show him our handshake?"

Jamie smiled, nodding vigorously. What followed was a complicated motion of hand movements that reminded JD of the "Miss Mary Mack" type of things the girls always did in elementary school.

He clapped when they were done, and asked enthusiastically, "You think you could teach it to me?"

Elliot wrinkled her nose in an expression of mock-doubt. "I don't know if you could handle. What do you think?"

Jamie grinned. "No."

Elliot smirked at JD, then said to Jamie playfully, "And _that _is why you're my favorite patient."

"You're _my _favorite doctor." Elliot's playful grin turned into a sincere, touched smile.

"I'm glad."

Jamie turned to JD and informed him, "When I grow up, I'm going to be a doctor. Just like Elliot."

The comment made JD smile slightly, and though he spoke to Jamie, his eyes were on Elliot when he said, "You couldn't pick anyone better."

He almost missed Jamie's reply of, "I know." He was watching Elliot's face, her expression pleasantly surprised. JD couldn't help but wonder why she always seemed surprised when he gave her compliment.

"Dr. Reid?"

JD turned around and saw two adults in the doorway, tired but smiling.

"Hey Mom, hey Daddy." The woman walked instantly to hug her daughter, and Elliot addressed both parents.

"Oh, hi. This is my friend Dr. Dorian, we were just paying Jamie a visit."

"We've been meeting with the oncologist."

"Of course." Elliot nodded. "We'll leave you guys alone. . ." She gave Jamie a quick, one-armed hug. "I'll be back soon, kiddo, okay?"

"Mmmkay. Bye, Elliot! Bye, JD!"

"Nice to meet you, Jamie." JD waved as he backed out the room after Elliot.

Elliot gave him a grateful smile as soon as they had closed to door behind them. "Sorry to take you away from your sleep time; Jamie just gets kind of depressed in the hospital, and I know you're good at cheering patients up, especially the kids."

"It was no problem, Elliot, but I don't think she needed me to cheer her up. You seem to do the job."

"She's such a great kid." Elliot commented, smiling to herself as she scribbled something on a chart. "Really affectionate."

"She seems great." He paused, then, voicing something he'd been thinking for the past few minutes, said, "Elliot, you know I think you're an amazing doctor, don't you?"

Elliot looked up from the chart and looked at him for a moment, almost like she was trying to read into the words. Then she smiled, slowly. "Now I do."

He had to fight the impulse to pull her into a hug. Instead, he just watched her as a moment of silence settled between them.

Elliot tried to focus her eyes on her chart, because something about JD's expression was causing her lungs to close up. She didn't know what it _was _about being around him lately; he'd been being so _sweet_, and for some reason, she'd found herself missing him when they weren't hanging out, almost _craving_ his company. Trying to force normalcy into her voice, she told him, "You should go back to the on-call room. Try to sleep."

"Come with me." He hadn't planned to say that. "I mean, you're not even on-call. You're probably tired, too, right?"

She studied him for a moment, then nodded amiably, "You're actually right. Let's go."

The surgical attendings had vacated their beds, and JD couldn't help but be disappointed as Elliot climbed onto the bunk above the one they'd occupied before.

He flicked off the light switch and let the inky darkness engulf them.

Laying down on the bottom bunk, JD folded his hands behind his head and closed his eyes, exhaling slowly. There was silence for awhile, but he could tell from the slight unsteadiness of Elliot's breathing that she wasn't falling asleep.

Something about darkness makes it easier to talk. The words just sort of slip out, and the speaker feels less responsible for them. JD was sure this was why he suddenly blurted, "Remember the last time we were in here together? I mean, besides twenty minutes ago?" He paused again, then, just in case clarification was still needed, added, "The freak-out?"

Elliot had been fully relaxed when JD's voice shook her out of a daze. She was quiet for a moment, memories washing over her, and then she answered, "Yeah." He didn't reply automatically, and Elliot tried to figure out why he'd brought it up. To fill the silence, she repeated herself, "Yeah, I do."

JD had lost it, whatever _it_ had been; he didn't even have a vague notion of where he'd hoped that comment would take them.

Elliot was thinking about it, being in the on-call room with him. It had been a pivotal point. She had somehow known, the moment that JD's fingers had laced with hers, noticing how his hand had found hers and closed at the same moment her hand had done the same thing with his, she had known that Keith wasn't The One. That her panic hadn't been just the normal pre-wedding jitters.

She had lied, afterwards, telling him that they were just freaking "as usual", that it was all a mistake. But she had known.

_She_ had been the one to stop it. To prevent the kiss. To stumble back over the point of no return.

But it hadn't been for her, or for Keith. It had been for JD, for fear of what would happen with Kim and the baby if they let it continue.

For fear that she would just be a mistake he made, yet again.

She'd cleared the moment they'd shared from her mind, and it hadn't been difficult, really, not with the aftermath of the broken engagement to deal with.

Now, she was thinking about that night for the first time in awhile, thinking about how he had ended it with Kim, wondering if he'd known when she had, and thinking of his words. . .

_You ever think maybe we're perfect for each other and just have the same fatal flaw?_

Elliot shook these thoughts off, trying to rid her mind of them along with the confusion she'd been feeling around JD lately. _You're single, and lonely, and you've been leaning on JD a lot, _she told herself firmly. _And there was the whole hanging out with Sam thing. It's natural you'd be getting closer, what with everyone else married off. . ._

JD wanted to say something else, to ask her if she ever thought about that night, if she ever wondered if it _had_ been about _them_, rather than just colossal freak-outs. Wanted to ask her why she'd turned away, prevented the kiss.

He opened his mouth and lay there, waiting for the words to come to him, waiting for the darkness to aid in their unbidden escape.

Then the high pitched beeping of his pager cut sharply into the silence. "Damn it!" He burst out before he could stop himself. JD could dimly make out the top third or so of Elliot's form leaning over the top bunk.

"Every thing okay?" She sounded concerned, clearly thinking the cursing had been because the pager brought bad news about a patient.

"Yeah, I just. . ." He was glad it was dark, because he could feel the heat rushing to his cheeks. "I gotta go."

"See ya, JD."

Inwardly groaning at himself for not finishing the conversation, JD managed a partially cheery, "Bye, Elliot."

_**The Next Night**_

JD hadn't seen Elliot all day, and he was almost glad for that, what with his ridiculous conversation-starter-with-no-follow-through last night in the on-call room. Kim had dropped Sam off that morning, and his shift had started in the afternoon; he'd passed Sammy off to Carla, who had a day off with Izzie.

JD was exhausted and not in the best of moods. His patient Mr. Crenshaw, who was waiting for a liver transplant, had already coded twice since he'd been there, and that was only _one _of the difficult cases he'd been dealing with today.

He was heading out at last, dropping off his final patient chart at the nurses station when he saw the code team wheeling away from the general area of Mr. Crenshaw's room.

Breaking into a run, JD headed toward it, only to meet Dr. Cox. "Easy, Victoria, what's your hurry? Handbag sample sale?"

Ignoring the familiar insults, JD said, "The code team. Was it Crenshaw again?"

"No. Barbie's leukemia patient crashed. Cardiac arrest."

The words took their time registering with JD. "J-Jamie? The little girl? Did she _die_?" The look on Dr. Cox's face answered the question. JDs stomach seemed to fold into itself; he felt sick. And then, not even understanding the sudden urgency in his voice, he asked, "Where's Elliot?"

Using his 'beginning to get exasperated' voice, Dr. Cox burst out with, "I don't know, Miranda. It may come as a shock to you, but I do _not_ generally make it policy to-"

JD left him, mid-rant, and began hurrying down the hallway, some instinct telling him he _had _to get to Elliot.

The door to the supply closet swung open, and Elliot tensed momentarily before she realized it was the only person she would want to see right now.

He closed the door behind him slowly, the glimmer of light from the corridor lingering long enough to give him a good look at her tear-streaked face. As soon as the door clicked shut, leaving them once again in darkness, his arms were around her, pulling her gently against his chest, and the lump in Elliot's throat dissolved as she began to sob.

JD didn't try to talk; he didn't tell her meaningless things about how it would be okay or that they were doctors and it happened. He just held her shaking body tightly, letting her cry.

They stayed like that for what seemed like an eternity, Elliot's tears soaking through JD's scrubs. He reached up one hand and stroked her hair, his heart aching for her.

For some reason, he thought of the words he'd used to describe being a parent to Elliot.

_I just want to protect him, from every thing. From every paper cut and every broken heart and every disappointment_.

JD had thought that was a function of being a parent. But maybe it was simply a function of loving someone.

Because, suddenly, he felt like he'd give anything to protect Elliot from this hurt.

She was the one who finally broke the silence, her voice thick with tears and muffled against JD's chest, "I said. . .I told her she shouldn't be scared. I said I'd take care of her." JD was quiet, not wanting to offer some hollow, meaningless cliché. "You were wrong about me being a good doctor. . ."

"No." He whispered it, but he managed to inject the word with fierceness. "No, I wasn't."

For another few moments, silence prevailed, but Elliot broke it once again, speaking in a choked voice, "The parents. They had to leave for a few hours, something about her brother. They'll be back in. . .in like ten minutes, and I'm supposed to. . ." Her breathing had become rapid and shallow and her voice faltered. ". . .supposed to tell them their seven year old is d-dead."

Elliot shifted closer to JD, her hands gripping his shirt, a gesture which seemed to contradict her next statement, "I'm okay. I'm just. . .being stupid.", she mumbles the last part, and it makes JD angry, not at Elliot, but at their profession. She shouldn't have to be embarrassed for this; being upset that a _kid_ died of cancer. But she is. They're told to keep distant, to stay numb. But they're also told to care. And there's no way to stop being _human_ when it comes to facing tragedy.

"No, you're not." JD tips her face up, even though he can barely make out a dim outline, and brushes her tears with his fingers.

She sighs, long and shaky, then says in what he knows is a determinedly brave voice, "I have to go get to the parents before they get to the room."

"Okay. You want me to come with you?"

"No, I. . .I should do it."

"Okay." His voice was barely audible.

The door opened, and they walked back into the real world.

He didn't leave, he couldn't. He made a quick phone call to Carla to apologize for running late, then sat down in a chair in the lobby to wait.

Elliot almost didn't see him, her walk to the door was so quick and purposeful. But he stood up, and she looked at him, and it was all she could do not to collapse into tears again.

"You didn't have to wait."

"I know.", he said simply, and Elliot's eyes welled up all over again; he was always there for her, and she was so grateful. He made her feel comforted, as if she _will_ feel okay again, no matter what present circumstances suggested.

JD slipped his hand into hers. He had been worried, earlier, about showing too much affection or giving himself away, but none of that mattered now. She leaned into him as they walked out to the parking lot, and he leaned close to her ear and whispered, "Come with me."

Elliot didn't even ask why, just nodded; she hadn't realized it until this moment, but she had hoped he'd say that.

She's quiet in the car, staring out the window, trying to empty her mind. He absently taps out a beat on the steering wheel with his thumbs, but the radio is off, so he's tapping to nothing.

They pull up at Carla's apartment, and JD leaves the engine running while he heads upstairs to get Sam.

When he return, JD hooks Sam into the car seat in the back and then return to the drivers seat and pulls off. Elliot would normally turn all her attention on Sam, cooing and tickling and trying, once again, to make him laugh. But now, she continues staring out the window. It's silly, but Sam's so young, and his youth reminds her of Jamie, seven years old.

She glances sideways at JD, who keeps impulsively checking Sam's reflection in the rearview mirror, and she remembers what he told her about a parents' need to protect their kids. How must Jamie's parents feel right now? How did anyone _deal_ with it, watching, helpless, as their child died?

She'd lost patients before, of course, even patients she'd grown close to, or treated for a long time. Somehow, this didn't feel like losing a patient.

They had pulled up at JDs apartment, and they walked upstairs, Sammy in tow, still not saying much. As soon as the apartment door had closed behind them, however, JD passed her Sammy.

"I think," he began, daring to smile at her a little. "that this is one of the best forms of therapy out there." Elliot took the small, warm body in her arms and started to protest, but JD kept talking, "Smell his head."

Obediently, Elliot breathed in. The sweet smell of. . .well, of _baby_ seemed to flow through her, and she felt her tenseness abate somewhat. She gave JD a shaky smile. "Good plan."

"As much as you like, we don't charge by the hour."

She sat on the couch, JD next to her, holding Sam until she felt calmer. Finally, she passed him gently to his father. "Here. I think he's about worn out of therapy duty."

JD disappeared into the nursery and came back out within a few minutes, returning to his place on the couch. He asked hesitantly, "You ready to talk about it?"

Elliot seemed to be drawing strength, and she nodded resolutely. "I just feel like such a failure, you know? Like I screwed up. And I know it happens, I do know that. I know that sometimes patients die and we can't see it coming but with Jamie. . ." Her face crumpled a little, and there was a catch in her voice as she continued, "I diagnosed her nine months ago, and this past month we've been more optimistic than ever, I just don't understand. . ." She paused again. "I got too attached, I did. I never used to have a problem with that. But she was _so_ scared, and she _hated_ doctors before and she said she wanted to be like me. . ."

JD couldn't think of what to say, so he told the truth, "It sucks."

"Yeah." She studied JD, the genuine concern in his eyes almost, but not quite, masking the exhaustion. "God, JD, I'm sorry. This is the second night I've kept you from sleeping when you should be, I'm being a real burden-"

"_Never_." The force in his voice surprised both of them. His tone was softer when he added, "Listen, I don't want you to have to be alone. . .you want to crash here?" He wondered if that had crossed the line from comforting friend, but he needn't have worried.

"I was hoping you'd say that."

A few minutes later, he had left her with blankets and a pillow on the couch, turned out the lights, and check on Sam. JD was about to head to his bedroom. "G'night."

"Good night." He barely took two steps away when she stepped toward him, and suddenly Elliot was hugging him fiercely. Her voice was a whisper. "_Thank you_."

He gave her a comforting smile. "No problem. You know I'm always here for you."

Elliot watched him go, a strange, swooping sensation taking place in her chest. She had no idea what was causing it, only that it was a welcome, if strange, departure from the pain and grief. "JD?"

He turned, just inside the doorway. "Yeah?"

"How did you know to come find me?"

He shrugged. "Cuz I know you. And I thought you might need someone." He smiled again. "Good night."

She stood, rooted in spot, looking at the closed door to his bedroom, something stirring in the back of her mind.

_At the end of the day, that's what you want. The guy who shows up when you need him, without you even having to ask._

She applied that patient's advice to JD, when he was a clown for her three years ago. But he had _always_ been that guy, no matter what hell they were putting each other through. He had always been there.

Elliot closed her eyes, falling back onto the couch. JD made her feel comforted, safe, protected. And though he was only a few feet away, she was missing his presence already.

_You ever think maybe we're perfect for each other. . ._

And suddenly, she knew, that if JD had asked her that question again, she'd know the answer.

Yes.

**And that's the end of the chapter! I really appreciated the reviews I received, and really hope you guys keep reading and reviewing. I love hearing feedback and thoughts. I know the 'staying over' bit at the end may have been teasing you a little, but let's face it, it's never so simple for these two. The point is, they now both have feelings for each other. Sounds simple, but once again, it never is. Not in TV and fanfic land, anyway. Review, and stay tuned!**


	3. I Saw

_Chapter Three_

_I Saw_

_I saw pictures in my head_

_And I swear I saw you opening again_

_Cuz I would be heavenly _

_If baby you just rescue me now_

_I Saw (Matt Nathanson) _

On the surface, things had returned to normal at Sacred Heart. Three weeks had passed since Elliot's patient had died, and, although JD and Elliot were spending more time together than ever, there was no indication that the such dramatic changes had taken place.

Beneath the surface, however, both JD and Elliot felt the change.

It had taken several days for Elliot to turn her mind off her guilt and grief at Jamie's death and onto her realization about JD. Unfortunately, none of the thinking was very positive.

With the exception of the first time they had dated, JD was only ever interested in her when she was with someone else and jealousy reared its ugly head. As soon as she was available, his "feelings" tended to cool considerably. Even the almost kiss in the on-call room had occurred during her engagement to Keith.

She had to face it. JD had never _really_ felt something for her (something controlled not by pride or jealousy or panic) in almost six years.

She wouldn't tell him. She couldn't. Because four years ago, JD had broken her heart and nearly destroyed their friendship. She couldn't go through that again.

So she kept her mouth shut and hoped that it would pass, or at least that she could learn to be okay with their friendship. There were moments, when they hung out, when she thought she could, when just being with him, talking and laughing, was enough.

But that feeling never lasted, because eventually the contentment was replaced by a dull ache, and a longing for what they _could_ have.

For the first few days after Jamie died, JD had been protective, always nearby, checking on her, never thinking twice if she asked to come over, and she savored it. After awhile, though, she was afraid she'd give herself away.

She used Sam as her excuse for going over; JD knew she loved babies, he wouldn't be surprised she wanted to be around one. And Elliot was sure she was never more in love with JD than when she watched him with his son.

For the first few days after Jamie died, JD had tried to put his feelings for Elliot aside and focus on being a supportive friend. He was worried about her, and made sure to stay close so he could check that she was okay. She seemed to be leaning on him, and he was glad to be there.

But, after awhile, he was afraid he would become too overprotective; he was worried he'd give himself away.

It didn't stop them from being drawn even closer from the experience. It seemed like they were spending more time together than ever. Thanks to Elliot's love for babies, Sam was providing a good incentive for Elliot to come over after work, one that JD was grateful; he was never more in love with her than when he watched her with his son.

He hadn't changed his mind about not telling her. He had been so hell bent on letting her know four years ago, when she was with Sean, and look how that had turned out. Then, a year before that, when they were sex buddies, he'd wanted to tell her how he felt and she had, unknowingly, crushed that before he could even begin.

Someone always got hurt, and he wasn't prepared for that.

So, JD had been going about his days as though every thing was normal, keeping his mouth shut and hoping it would pass. Or, at least, that he could learn to be okay with being just good friends with Elliot.

When they were together, sometimes, he thought that maybe it would be enough for him; that he was happy enough just being around her, making her smile and laugh, joking around. During these moments with her, he always felt happy.

But then they would separate, and he was always left with an empty feeling, and a longing for _more._

Both of them worked hard to maintain a semblance of normalcy.

JD was wandering the hospital corridors, with a vague notion of running into Elliot so they could grab some lunch together, when Turk found him.

"What it do, V-bear?"

"Nothin' much, CB."

"You had lunch yet?" JD shook his head distractedly, and Turk plowed on, "I'm supposed to meet Carla, you should come with."

"Yeah, okay, I'll meet you there. I was going to try to find Elliot. . ."

Turk gave an overdramatic groan. He'd complained several times over the past few weeks of JD spending more time with Elliot than with him; what with married life and fatherhood, Turk had always been the one to initiate plans; lately, however, JD had been making plans with Elliot and had to turn Turk down.

"What's with you, lately, man? If you're not _with_ Elliot, you've got _plans_ with Elliot, and if you don't have plans with her, you're _looking_ for her to make plans. No wonder I never see you anymore."

"Aw, c'mon. You've got Izzie and stuff, you're busy a lot. No wonder I hang out with Elliot more."

"Don't use that, dude. _You've_ got Sam. But every time he's here, guess who else is at your apartment? Elliot!" Turk's eyes widened. "Oh, _please_ don't tell me you like her. _Again_."

"What? That's ridiculous. Of course I don't _like _her." He had already decided against telling Turk, on the grounds that Carla had the power to force a secret out of almost anyone, and certainly her husband. And Carla would tell Elliot.

Turk exhaled slowly, obviously relieved. "Good. Because we know what a train wreck _that _is."

JD forced a laugh. "Yeah, a train wreck."

"Turk!"

JD and Turk spun around to see Carla and Elliot walking toward them. JD smiled instantly, and she returned it.

Carla faced her husband, "Ready to grab a bite?"

"Yeah, sweetness, I was just about to head down there. Elliot, you coming?"

"Yep."

Turk turned to JD and said sarcastically, "I'm assuming _you_ can grace us with your presence now?"

JD threw him a scalding look.

Minutes later, the four of them were sitting in the cafeteria, JD and Turk across from Elliot and Carla, and Elliot was asking, "So do you get Sam this weekend, JD?"

"Yeah, Kim's bringing him over this afternoon when I get off work. I only get him for a day, though, because she's doing some lunch thing with her parents on Sunday."

"Oh, cool."

There was a pause, then JD said exactly what Elliot had hoped for. "You should, you know. . .come over sometime tomorrow and hang out with us."

Elliot smiled at him. "Okay, yeah. I think I will."

Turk was looking back and forth between JD and Elliot. He smiled sweetly at Elliot and said loudly, "You sure are seeing a lot of Sam, huh, Elliot?"

JD interjected quickly, "Sammy loves Elliot." _And he's not the only one_, he added silently to himself. Elliot was grinning hugely at the comment, and JD's smile reflected hers. "She was the first one to make him laugh, so they're bonded forever."

"Elliot told me that story", Carla put in. "I think it's adorable Sam likes singing that much."

"Just like his dad." JD said proudly, and Elliot and Carla laughed.

At that moment, Keith and a few other male residents walked by their table. There was a collective evil eye shot in Elliot's direction, and she sighed in annoyance.

Carla raised her eyebrows. "What the hell was that?"

"Oh, Keith's just got some of the other residents to help him hate me. Apparently, his emotions weren't coming off well enough." Elliot rolled her eyes. "I swear, this whole break-up's been a train wreck."

Turk seemed to pounce on the opening. "_Speaking_ of train wrecks, you know what JD and I were just talking about?"

"A train wreck?" Carla replied dryly.

"Close, honey. We were just saying what a train wreck Elliot and JD's relationship always was. Right, buddy?"

JD hoped his face wasn't as red as it felt. _Okay, she can read you like a book. She knows when you're lying. Just avoid eye contact!_ "Yep. That's exactly what we were saying."

JD attempted to stare nonchalantly at the table next to theirs, and Turk was scrutinizing JD's face for some sort of reaction, so both missed the look on Elliot's face.

Carla did not. As soon as Turk had mentioned the relationship, Elliot had nearly choked on her Vitamin water. And when JD had agreed, she'd stared him for a split second, hurt surprise etched on her face.

She had quickly rearranged her features into an indifferent expression, and mumbled (in a thoroughly unconvincing voice), "Yeah, tell me about it. Disaster."

Even in his embarrassment, JD's stomach dropped a little at Elliot's agreement. He could feel Turk watching him, so he struggled to maintain an unconcerned look, staring with as much fake interest he could mutter at the other table.

Carla kept her eyes on Elliot, and Turk tried to get JD one more time. "_Disaster_ is right. It's like we were saying, better not go down that road again, right, bud-_AAAAAAAAHHHH_! Baby, what the _hell_?"

Carla had kicked him, mid-sentence, still watching her best friend. Elliot pushed her chair back abruptly. "I gotta go check on a patient."

She had barely gotten to the cafeteria door before Carla was up. "Me, too."

JD turned to Turk. "What the hell, man, could you be more obvious?"

Using his smug, 'caught-you!' tone, Turk exclaimed, "Why do you care if you don't like her?"

"Because now she's going to _think_ I do, idiot. You saw how she left, you freaked her out! The way you were _obviously _looking at me to test a reaction, you think she wouldn't notice that and assume the worst?"

Turk was quiet for a few seconds after this outburst, then said, with a shrug. "My bad."

Carla caught up with Elliot down the hall. "Hey, Elliot. . .are you okay? What's going on?"

"I'm fine." There was that unconvincing voice again. Elliot's cheeks were flushed, and she wouldn't meet Carla's eyes.

"Look, Elliot, I know you. You're clearly _not _fine, so how much time are you really going to waste in denial?"

"What makes you so sure something's wrong?"

"Because when Turk said that thing about you and JD's relationship being a train wreck, you looked like you'd been slapped." There was a pause, and then Carla gasped. "Oh my God! You like JD again, don't you?"

Elliot opened her mouth, mentally wrestling with herself. She had planned on keeping this to herself, but-

"That was too long of a silence!", Carla said. "You _like_ him, again!" The joy at finding out a new piece of gossip seemed to fade as she actually processed the information. "Oh, _Elliot_. You like him,_ again_?" Carla now wore a mingled expression of sympathy and exasperation.

Elliot sighed and nodded, a little miserably. "If you tell Turk, I'll kill you. I swear, I'll never tell you anything again."

Carla nodded vigorously. "My lips are sealed, I promise. I know Turk could never keep something from JD." There was another pause, then Carla said in a hushed voice, "What are you going to _do_?"

"Nothing." Elliot's answer was quick and firm. "I've already decided. There's no point."

"Oh, that's not necessarily-"

"No, there really isn't, Carla. You know how it's _always_ been with him; he's only interested in me when I'm with someone else, when he 'can't have me'. It's never anything real."

At the tone of Elliot's voice, and the expression on her face, that had accompanied these last few words, Carla put a hand on her arms and rubbed it reassuringly. "I don't believe that. And you could do something, you could tell-"

"There would be _no point_."

"Maybe there would!"

"No, Carla, there wouldn't. You heard him just now! He thinks we were a train wreck." She grimaces a little.

Carla gave her a skeptical look. "Oh, come _on_, Turk was acting way too weird for there not to have been some sort of hidden meaning to that whole conversation. And were you paying attention to JD? Turk was _clearly_ trying to get to him, and he wouldn't even _look_ at the rest of us!"

"That's just because Turk was being so weird. . ."

Seeing that Elliot wasn't allowing herself to get her hopes up, Carla dropped it for the time being. "Maybe, maybe not. Listen, Elliot, are you okay?"

"Yeah, sure, I'm good. Fine."

"Okay." Carla gave her a arm a squeeze before heading off. "We'll talk more about this later, okay?"

"Okay." Elliot muttered, forcing herself to return Carla's smile.

JD had left Turk alone in the cafeteria soon after Carla and Elliot had taken off. He was feeling unsettled, like he needed to talk this out. Not that there was much to say, but he felt so confused. . .

_Well, I can't talk to Turk. Lucky for me, there's another person I can always count on for advice. . ._

"Dr. Cox?" JD appeared in the doorway of coma patient's room.

"Bethany."

"I was wondering if I could get your advice on something?"

"You know, Thelma, I would usually rattle off some clever way to tell you 'no, absolutely not, a thousand times _no_' BUT you seem to have a talent for completely ignoring them, so I'm just going to leave the room and save us both the hassle."

JD hurried after Dr. Cox, speed walking down the hallways after him. "Listen, Dr. Cox it's about Elliot. I like her, again, but I don't really know what to do about it. I mean, on one hand, I don't want to risk the friendship, you know? And, plus, I don't want either one of us to get hurt. But at the same time, it's killing me to be around her and not say anything, so I'm really torn. What do you think?"

Without breaking stride, Dr. Cox replied instantly, "Tell her."

JD was taken aback from the quick answer. "Really? You think so?"

Dr. Cox whirled, a bright smile on his face. "Well, _sure_ I do, Skipper. Hell, I've secretly been pulling for you two to get together all along. Imagine, Barbie and Skipper, united! And please note when I say Skipper, I am _not_ referring to the portly and jovial captain of the boat on Gilligan's Island, but the blonde haired doll that no little girl ever really _wanted _ for Christmas, but darn it all if they weren't the only ones left on the shelves!" The smile dropped from his face and his usual scowl returned. "Good _God_, Newbie. I can't believe you would ask such a ridiculous question. We _all _know how this thing with you and Barbie goes. You become very mopey and pine for her, or vice versa, you eventually pluck up _just enough_ courage, nerdy sex ensues for awhile, then suddenly, _bam! _The spark has died and you hate each other, and your petty sniping entertains the rest of us for, oh, I don't know, about _two minutes_, after which the whole thing is just another occurrence that no one cares about. So instead of coming to me for advice, just _consult your past experience_. Do us _all _a favor."

Dr. Cox turned at that, walking off, but JD didn't move. He called after him, "You're wrong." Dr. Cox stopped walking and looked back at him, a mocking smile on his face. "It's different this time."

"Right. Of course it is. This right here.. . .this is me not believing you." And he's gone.

JD sighed, irritated. He had no time to chase after Dr. Cox; he had to meet Kim at the apartment to get Sam.

**The Next Night**

Kim opened the door to her apartment and smiled. "There's my big boy!" She reached out and took Sam from JD's arms. "Mommy missed you!" She looked up. "Every thing go okay?"

"Oh, yeah, we had a blast." He was even more bummed than usual dropping Sam off; Elliot hadn't come over today like they had talked about; he always looked forward to hanging with her and Sam, as if they were a family. Plus, he was certain Turk's comment yesterday at lunch had made her uncomfortable; she was clearly weirded out by any mention of their relationships.

"Hey, Sam!" JD looked up, a bit startled at the third voice joining them. A tall, blonde haired guy was walking into the living room and heading toward Kim and Sam. "There's my pal!"

Kim smiled and handed Sam off to the guy, who looked at JD. "Hi, I'm Matt."

"Oh, sorry." Kim shook her head a little. "Matt, JD. JD, Matt."

"Yeah, hi." JD was watching the way this guy seemed so at ease, familiar, with his son. He made himself look back at Kim. "So listen, how about next weekend? All of it, preferably. . ."

"Next weekend isn't actually great. I've actually got a full day off, so. . ." she let her voice trail off.

_So do I_, JD thought. He suggested, "Well, how about during the week? For a couple days?"

Kim and the blonde guy (_Matt_) exchanged a look, and somehow this infuriated JD to no end. As if this _stranger_ should have any say in when he got to see his own child.

"Well, during the week isn't great, either." Kim said carefully. "I mean, we work the schedule out with the nanny really far in advance, and it just seems rude to just-"

"Yes, well, we wouldn't want to be rude to the _nanny_. Look, Kim, you tell me a time that _works for you_."

She and Matt looked at each other again. "Look, I don't know, JD. How about I call you sometime this week and we'll set something up for sometime."

JD was rooted in spot, unwilling to leave without a firm plan. He had never thought about what he'd do in this situation, because Kim had always been great about working it out, making sure he got time with Sam. The only difference now, apparently, was this new guy, and JD could clearly see what was happening.

He was being slowly boxed out. Kim figured she had a nice little family unit here, and _Matt_ could be the significant male figure in her sons life; much less hassle than all the driving and planning it took to keep JD in Sam's life.

He didn't like that this guy was spending more time with his son than he was.

Trying to make his voice forceful, JD snapped, "I'm not going anywhere until you tell me when I can see my son again. And preferably more than one day next time. And I don't understand why you're the only one 'fit' to take him during the week, we have the same job, we both work long hours. . ."

Sighing impatiently, Kim replied, "I haven't even had a chance to look at the calendar. We're hoping to take a visit to Matt's parents sometime soon, and we've been waiting to find out when his brother can get off so they can go home at the same time-"

"Easy solution, go without Sam."

It was Matt who shot this down, saying, in what JD saw as an inappropriately cheerful voice, "Oh, we couldn't do that. They're dying to meet my favorite little guy."

JD glared at him. "That was not directed at you, _Matt._"

"Okay, okay, JD. . .hallway." Kim shoved him out of the apartment and closed the door behind her. JD had a vague feeling that she had been building up to this moment. "Listen, JD, you seem to be pretty upset about Matt-"

"Yeah, I'm upset, I'm upset because all of sudden he shows up and you don't want to let me see Sam anymore! Just because you've got a guy around doesn't mean Sam doesn't need to see his dad. . .he needs me, he needs to see me more than that guy!"

"There's really no reason for you to be jealous, JD, _you're_ the one who cause the break-up."

Frustration building, JD groaned. "Good Lord, I don't _care_ if you're seeing someone! I'm happy you're happy, blah blah blah, Mazel Tov, _whatever._"

Ignoring him, Kim continued, "It's really no different from you and Elliot."

"For the last time, Elliot and I _aren't dating._ We're _friends_, and she's good with Sammy! He really likes her."

"Yet you don't see me freaking out over her spending time with him."

"Yeah, well you shouldn't, since _I_ see him roughly one tenth as much as you do, so there's no way Elliot would see him more than you. You, on the other hand, are letting him spend more time with Matt than me so I can be phased out!"

"That's ridiculous!"

"And yet we've _never _had a problem figuring out a time for me to see Sammy before now!"

Kim finally sighed dramatically. "You know what, _fine_. You get him next weekend."

"All weekend."

"Fine."

"Good."

"Bye, JD." She turned to go back in the apartment, and JD tried to push in after her.

"I didn't say goodbye to Sam yet-"

"Matt's already putting him down for bed. _Bye _JD, I'll bring him over next Friday." And she closed the door in his face.

He started back to his car, seething with rage and, a little deeper, terror. He didn't want to be one of those dads a kid sees only once in awhile, closer to a stepfather who had been around almost as long. . .

He had never seen the possibility so clearly before, and it scared him.

His anger did not abate at all on the forty-five minute car drive, and he storming up to his apartment when he stopped short.

Elliot was leaning against the wall outside the door, looking out of place, a little unsure of herself. She looked a little taken aback by his initially angry expression, but smiled tentatively anyway.

He managed to return it, just a little. "Hey, um. . .I already dropped Sam off. Remember, he was only staying until today. . .

She bit her lip nervously. "Yeah, I know. I was coming to see you."

"Oh. Good." His smile was still small, but this time it was genuine.

Elliot followed him inside the apartment, her throat completely dry. She and Carla had talked at length earlier about JD: she'd told him about Jamie and her realization, about all the time they were spending together, either just the two of them or with Sam. And Carla had been not-so-smoothly advocating an admittance of feelings, Elliot had been against it, still sure of her original conviction that there was no point.

Yet here she was, not sure whether it was just giving in to her desire to see him, or because she actually planned to do something.

She sat on the couch, watching him. He seemed agitated, not himself. He handed her a drink and sat down, wordlessly, next to her. Hesitantly, she asked him, "Are you okay?"

JD made a noise between a sigh and a groan, rubbing a hand tiredly over his face. "Yeah. No. It's just. . .Kim had this _guy_ over. Her boyfriend I guess. And all of sudden she's all 'oh, I don't know when a good time for you to take Sam, I'll just call you later.' Like just because this dude's there all of a sudden. And every time I suggested some time, she looked at him as if _he_ had anything to do with it."

Elliot's heart sank a little. Was he jealous of Kim's new boyfriend? What did that mean. "So. . .did you ever work it out?"

"Yeah, I finally made her tell me a time. Next weekend. She acted like it was a huge sacrifice though. I mean, you should have seen this Matt guy, Elliot. He went straight for Sam, playing with him, calling him his pal and stuff. They're trying to box me out, like this guys the dad!"

Elliot felt her disappointment and confusion ebb, giving way to sympathy. She could see JD was genuinely worried about this. She put a reassuring hand on his arm. "Listen, I'm sure he's not going to replace you. I mean, _I _see Sam when you have it, and I play with him and call him my buddy and all that. But it doesn't mean he's going to think of me as his mom."

Sighing, JD replied, "Yeah, because I don't get him that often."

"Well, even if you did get him more than Kim did, I'd still do all that. And it still wouldn't mean he'd like me more, or that I was trying to replace Kim. You're his _dad_!"

"You didn't see him, it was different. Putting Sam to bed, and talking about how he's his favorite guy-"

"It doesn't sound any different than when I play with him, JD." Elliot started to point out that he didn't even know how serious Kim and this Matt person were, but JD, anger and frustration finally spilling over, interrupted her.

He looked up at her, glaring, and snapped, "Well, maybe Kim's right, then, that you and Matt are the same. And maybe _both_ of you should just get your own family!"

Elliot looked as though he'd just pulled out a gun and held it to her forehead, she looked so surprised and hurt. Her mouth parted slightly with a sharp intake of breath, the color drained from her face, and she blinked very quickly, looking away from him and staring at the couch. "Okay." Her voice was quieter than JD had ever heard it, and his anger vanished instantly, panic and guilt washing over him. "I, um. . ." She paused. "I think I'll go."

She stood, walking quickly to the door. JD's chest felt tight, and he inwardly cursed himself for the cruel, stupid comment that made no sense anyway: he loved that she seemed like part of his family, he wanted nothing more than to be a family with Elliot. _Holy shit, what did I do. . ._

"Elliot, wait!" He ran over to her, making it to her just as her hand closed on the doorknob. He covered it with his hand and stopped her from turning it. He was as close to her as he dared get, and he could hear the shaky, uneven breaths as she stood still, back to him.

"Elliot. Elliot, look at me." His voice was gentle. "Elliot, please, look at me." She turned toward him, finally, still keeping her eyes more on his chest than his face. He could see her eyes had filled with tears, and she was desperately trying to keep them in check, letting them cling stubbornly to her eyelashes rather than fall.

"I'm sorry." He whispered, his throat tightening. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean that. . ."

The tears began to fall, and then he was pulling her against his chest, holding her and saying "I'm sorry" over and over.

Then, suddenly, both of them pulled back, just a little, and then his lips were crashing into hers (or hers into his, neither could work out who started it). His hand went to the zipper of her jacket, and hers went to the tops button of his pants, and both knew exactly where they were heading, once again.

**Alright, then. Hope you enjoyed this installment. It would be nice if it were all over now, but as we viewers know, sex never seems to work anything out for these two. Yet it ALWAYS starts with it. Once again, comments would be awesome, detailed feedback is very appreciated as I'm still new at the Scrubs fic world. I'll have the next chapter up as soon as I can…and reviews are always nice incentive. **


	4. Slow Dancing In A Burning Room

Chapter Four

Slow Dancing in A Burning Room

_It's not a silly little moment  
It's not the storm before the calm  
This is the deep and dyin breath of  
this love we've been workin on  
Can't seem to hold you like I want to  
so I can feel you in my arms  
Nobody's gonna come and save you  
we pulled too many false alarms_

She woke up first, her neck aching a little; JD's arm was directly beneath. She was pretty sure they'd fallen asleep with her head more on his chest, but something had shifted during the night, and she was in a much less comfortable position.

Actually, this applied to both her physical and mental _condition_. The elation, the 'holy-crap-is-this-really-happening?' feeling had disappeared overnight, only to be replaced with panic.

"What did I do?" She murmured aloud, looking away from JD's sleeping form to the ceiling. "_Shit_." When were they going to learn? They _always_ did this, and it never ended well.

She closed her eyes, frustrated, and tried to work out how this started.

He'd made her cry. That _comment_, unthinkingly cruel, had made her cry. She winced, just thinking about it. JD had a bad habit when he was frustrated of exactly what was on his mind without regard to people's feelings, but there was no denying that these comments were _honest_. . .brutal, yes, but honest.

_I'm sorry, but you had your chance with me._

_You're the one who's supposed to struggle, not me._

_I don't love you._

But he was a good person, with a good heart, and he always tried to make it right. That's what he'd done last night, following her and hugging her, trying to act like he didn't mean it.

Who transitioned from the hug? Who started it?

Elliot struggled to remember. He'd pulled back. . .or was it her? Just to look at him, maybe. . .had he leaned in for the kiss or had she started it?

_Probably me_, she told herself disgustedly. _Acting on my feelings in the most idiotic way. Stupid!_

And of course he'd returned it! He was a _guy_, a guy she used to sleep with regularly, a guy who was noticeably upset about his ex's new boyfriend. . .

This last thought almost made her groan out loud, but she managed to stifle it, thank God. The last thing Elliot wanted to do was wake JD, and force the conversation to begin.

The conversation where they would decide that it was a rash mistake, that they'd been down this route before and knew how it ended.

_He'll just remind me what a 'train wreck' we were_, Elliot told herself, bitterly recalling the conversation with JD and Turk yesterday.

She didn't want that. She didn't want the conversation, didn't want to have to pretend like she agreed with him about them making a mistake. What she wanted was to go back to last night, to the somehow simultaneous comfort and excitement she'd felt when his lips were on hers.

The moment before the kiss, before the sex, before all of it. . .that seemed more significant.

_Well, maybe Kim's right, then, that you and Matt are the same. And maybe both of you should just get your own family._

She'd had deluded herself, let herself pretend they were some sort of family, wished that they could be. But for him, it had never been anything like that at all.

Tears had come to Elliot's eyes, and she impatiently blinked them away. _Pull yourself together! He's going to be up soon. And he's going to want to talk about it; he'll probably apologize again, but then he'll say it was a mistake, that they'd gotten carried away. _

She was _so_ tired of being his mistake.

" " " "

JD woke up with his alarm. He stretched a little, then sat up, blinking against the sun peeking through his window. For a moment, nothing seemed amiss; then he realized why something felt _off._

"Elliot?" He called tentatively. The previous night was coming back to him; how they'd somehow moved from his idiotic remark to sex. She had definitely fallen asleep with her head on his chest; so where was she?

He stood up and went into Sam's nursery. Completely empty. Confused, JD walked out into the living room. "Elliot!"

Then he stopped, eyes surveying the area. He was positive her shirt had ended up slung on top of the TV, but nothing was there.

It still took a moment for the reality to hit him. She'd _left_.

"Shit.", he muttered, leaning dejectedly against the dorm frame. When were they going to learn? JD closed his eyes, trying to think back, figure out how they got here.

She'd come over to see him, and he'd poured out his frustrations over Matt and Kim and Sammy on her. He'd made that remark, that unthinkingly _cruel_ remark. He'd made her cry. He winced a little; he hated getting Elliot upset.

He'd apologized, he'd tried to make her understand he didn't mean it. They'd hugged. . .

Who started it? Who transitioned from a moment of friendship to something else? Had she leaned in to him, or had he initiated it?

_Probably me_, he admitted to himself. _Probably me acting on my feelings in the most idiotic way. She'd been hurt and vulnerable, and I stopped thinking. Again._

He felt stupid, and angry at himself. They _always_ did this, and it never led to anything good. What would make him think she felt anything for him past friendship? Hadn't she agreed with Turk's "train wreck" comment yesterday?

JD poured milk into a bowl of cereal, mind spinning, getting increasingly agitated.

_And who's fault is it that sex never leads to anything good? Who ran off with her prodigal boyfriend thirty seconds after we had our clothes back on? Who suggested we be sex buddies and then called it off right when I started to feel something?_

Elliot.

_And __now__ who ran off like I'm some sort of one night stand?_

"SHIT!" He yelled again into his empty apartment. Why did he always let himself get caught up when it came to Elliot?

He'd slept with her and made himself believe, just for a little while that there was a chance. But it had been a mistake.

_A really, really good mistake._

" " " " "

Carla found Elliot eating lunch in her coma patient's room. Asking the obvious question with nothing but a raise of her eyebrows, Carla stared.

"I'm swamped", Elliot explained quickly. "Just thought I'd grab a quick bite where I could."

"Riiiight. Then why does JD look all pissy and why haven't I seen you all morning?" Then Carla remembered the conversation she and Elliot had had yesterday. "Oh my God, did you actually listen to me? Did you tell him?"

"_No_. I mean, I went over there, not sure if I was going to do it or not, but. . .he was all upset about Kim and her new boyfriend-"

"Wait, what?'

Elliot didn't want to delve too deeply into that issue, so she said dismissively, "Something about them not wanting him to see Sam. I don't know. So we just talked about that."

Carla looked at her expectantly, then prodded, "_And_. . .?"

Elliot sighed, and gave Carla a quick rundown of her and JDs conversation, right up to his remark about her needing to get her own family. Carla gasped.

"Oh, no he _didn't_! Bambi's asking for some serious-"

Elliot cut her off. "Carla, relax. He apologized a lot, he felt bad about it." She silently reminded herself that this fact did not mean it wasn't something he really thought.

"Fine. So what happened then?"

Elliot hesitated. "Then I was crying and he was hugging me and then. . .then we were kissing."

"That's good, right?"

"Then we were ripping off each others clothes."

Carla groaned. "Elli_ot!_ You slept with him again? When are you guys going to figure out-"

"I know, I know. It was stupid."

Carla was giving her that look again, the one that seemed equal parts sympathy and exasperation. "Well. . .who started it?"

"I. . .I don't really remember. Me, probably." The last two words were spoken with a defeated air.

"So what happened after? What did he say?"

Elliot paused, then said carefully, "I haven't actually seen him since."

Silence reigned momentarily. Then, "Okay, how does that work?"

Sighing, Elliot admitted, "I left, okay? This morning, before he woke up."

Carla's mouth fell open, giving her a cartoonish appearance. "You _left_. _Why_?!"

Elliot's frustration spilled over, and her voice was louder than she'd intended as she snapped, "Because I didn't want him to tell me we made a mistake, okay!"

"Sweetie. . ."

"I know it sounds stupid, but. . .I panicked. You heard him yesterday at lunch, and between that and what he said last night-"

"Elliot, he didn't mean that!"

"Sure, he did. Carla, every time JD blurts something out like that it just means he's saying whatever is on his mind. It doesn't mean he's lying or venting or whatever."

Carla still looked doubtful. "Maybe." Neither spoke for a moment, and then, as Elliot threw away the trash from her lunch in the tiny wastebasket by the door, Carla added, "Look, you can't just avoid him forever."

"I know." Elliot sighed. "I guess I'll talk to him."

"Just _tell him_."

Apart from an almost imperceptible shake of her head, Elliot ignored this, and the two women went out into the hallway.

They found JD standing with Turk by the nurses station. He stopped talking abruptly when he caught Elliot's eye. They were quiet for a minute, then he looked at Turk "I gotta go."

"Later, dude."

Carla turned to Elliot. "Go after-" Her voice faded; Elliot was already heading in the opposite direction.

Turk gave his wife a perplexed look. "What's with them?"

Keeping her face carefully neutral, Carla shrugged. "I was hoping you'd know? JD didn't say anything?"

"Nothin'."

"Hmmmm. Oh, well. I guess it's a mystery."

" " " " "

JD didn't want to talk to her. He was too mixed up in who to blame. He knew he was angry at her for leaving. But he was also angry at himself for starting it all, for letting himself get carried away with his feelings, never stopping to think.

So he avoided her all day. It had been easy in the morning; she'd seemed to be doing the same. But later, Elliot had seemed to change her mind; she walked up to him a couple times, but he deliberately went to opposite direction. Eventually, however, she appeared to have given up.

He was in the parking lot, halfway to his car, when her voice startled him. "JD?"

JD stopped walking but didn't turn. He heard her footsteps, slow and hesitant, closing the gap between them.

"Do you think. . .you think we should talk? About what happened?"

He laughed a little, humorlessly. "_Now_ you want to talk?"

Elliot swallowed, still addressing JD's back. "I'm, um. . .I'm sorry. About leaving this morning."

"Why'd you do it?" There was a falsely conversational air to the question.

"I was embarrassed, I guess." Heavy, awkward silence hung over them, so Elliot added, "I mean, we've been down that road before, it's always so-"

"You're right, we have been down that road before," he cut her off in a scathing voice. "And yet _you_ still tried to treat it like some cheap one night stand." Elliot forced her gaze from the asphalt below her feet and up to JD's face, opening her mouth to speak, but JD continued sharply, "I don't know, maybe that's all _you're _used to."

Elliot froze, eyebrows shooting up. JD's shoulders sagged and he inwardly cursed his monstrously huge mouth. _You did it again, you idiot. Some idiotic, mean remark made out of anger. . ._

He was about to take it back, try to shake it off, but the hurt disappeared from Elliot's face and anger took over. "You know what? _Forget it_. I don't know why I bother, because it's always the same with you. . . "

"Meaning what?"

"Meaning you always say things like that! _Always_! You are so unbelievably wrapped up in yourself, you think you can just say whatever you think and get away with it! _Just_ like you did last night!"

"That's not fair!" He said fiercely, moving closer. "I apologized!"

"Yeah, you always do that, you always apologize, but that doesn't change anything, does it?"

"_Me_, apologize all the time? What about you? What were you doing five seconds ago? Saying you were sorry for leaving this morning!"

"I _panicked_! It's not like I've ever done that before-"

They were yelling now, and JD jumped on that comment right away.

"Oh, yeah, because it's been _so different_ from before! Like it's so different from you having sex with me and then leaving with your stupid boyfriend right away and pretending it never happened!"

Ignoring the angry, hot tears beginning to prick her eyes, Elliot retorted, "Oh, yeah, JD, you must have been real broken up about it, seeing as you apparently _didn't love me_ after all!"

Ignoring the heat rising to his cheeks at that comment, JD stumbled over a proper retort, "Well, that doesn't change. . .I mean. . .it's always about sex with you!"

Elliot gaped at him. "Ex_cuse_ me?"

He was nodding emphatically. "Sex buddies, practice sex while your boyfriends gone, last nights little one night stand. . . you get what you want and then you're done with it!" He had the vague notion that he was making very little sense.

"JD, when you found out I still had feelings for you our second year you said we should _sex each other up_."

"That was _one time_! That's one time I said something like that, after we'd broken up the first time!"

"And don't pretend you weren't thrilled with the whole sex buddies thing."

"The part I wasn't 'thrilled' with was when _you_ called it off, right when I was about to tell you that I had feelings for you!"

Elliot was momentarily startled by this bit of information, and there a quiet moment, a sharp contrast to the yelling that seemed to be echoing around the empty parking lot.

JD broke the silence by continuing, his voice hoarse and quieter, but a kind of quiet anger still emanating with every syllable. "And, you know what, Elliot, _that _is what really kills me about you." Elliot's throat had tightened, and she couldn't even make herself ask 'what?'. So she stared at him until he continued, "It's never you who has to suffer, you're never the one pining. It's _me_, every single time, I'm the one waiting for you to come around. . ."

Finding her voice again, Elliot didn't think she'd ever been angrier at him, even during the 'I don't love you' incident. "Why do you think that is, JD? It's because you _love to suffer_. You love playing that part, the whole pining, unrequited love thing. And what's really sad is that it's _never_ been real! That's why you're only ever interested in me when I'm with _someone else_!"

"That's jus-"

Elliot didn't pause, just raised her voice to drown out his retort, determined to get this out, "And don't you _dare_ try to say I never suffered. In case you don't remember, you _broke_ my fucking _heart_! And all because you decided that, after all that suffering you were complaining about was over, you were never really interested in the first place!!!" Her voice broke, and then it was her with her back to him, one hand clutched over her trembling mouth.

They were quiet for a long time. When JD's voice finally cut into the silence, he didn't sound at all like himself; his voice was low, weary and serious.

"None of this. . .really has anything to do with what happened last night."

"I know." Elliot's voice was thick and unsteady, and JD knew she was crying. He fought the urge to move forward, the hold her to him; that's what had started this whole mess. He was feeling dazed and shaky by this point, unable to understand how they'd gotten to this point; yelling about every wrong they'd ever done each other in the past.

The anger had left him, every ounce of it, at Elliot's last accusation. Now he just felt drained. Drained and guilty. Because while what he'd said was true, that he usually was the one to get feelings for her first, she was right: more often than not, it ended up hurting her more than him. And none of his hurt had been directly her fault: she hadn't known about his feelings when she'd called off the sex buddies deal, or when she started dating Sean.

But he'd put it all out there, convinced her he loved her, made her think they could be perfect together, more perfect than he supposedly perfect boyfriend. . .and she'd believed him. Thrown every thing away for him. And what had he done?

So, for once, he ignored the voice in his head that was urging him to just blurt out the truth: that he loved her, that they should leave the past in the past and try again.

He ignored it, because he wouldn't hurt her again.

"We can't keep doing this." He said quietly.

"I know." Elliot repeated. She wanted to say something else, but she couldn't seem to form the words. She wanted to apologize, to tell him the truth: that she loved him and she didn't care about any of the rest of it if they could only try again. . .

But then he spoke, his words oddly strangled. "We made a mistake, that's all."

And there it was.

_Mistake_. The word she'd been dreading.

JD couldn't leave it at that. He had to give it one last go. "Right?"

Elliot's fingers pressed over her mouth stifling the building sobs, and it took a few seconds before she was able to say, "Sure."

"Okay." JD watched her for a few more minutes; her back was still to him. Finally, he said, "I'm going to go."

She just nodded, unable to speak anymore, then stood rooted in place, listening to the crunch of his feet on the parking lot as he got further away.

It wasn't until she heard the rumble of his car engine fade from the parking lot that she let herself cry out loud.


	5. The Infancy of Us

**A/N: Sorry that it's been two weeks, everyone. I really have intended to get this story updated fairly quickly, but my teachers are all working hard to combat senioritis so I've had a ton of work, in addition to starting a new job. Anyway, apologies, hope the chapter was worth the wait. I'll be going out of town Thursday of this week, and I'm HOPING to have another chapter up before then. Reviews definitely help : ) Enjoy! **

_Chapter Five_

_The Infancy of Us_

_I don't mind you wondering  
If it's something you must do  
And I don't mind you thinking  
I just hope you'll think this through_

It's the infancy of us  
Never mind the time,  
We'll live on trust  
Close enough to find  
In life we must love along the way

_The Infancy of Us (Eliot Morris)_

Elliot was laying curled up on her couch, a blanket wrapped around her, staring blankly at the muted television screen when the phone rang.

She snatched the cordless phone from beside her and stared at the caller ID; _Dorian, John_ flashed across the screen.

She sat, frozen, the phone in her hand, pretty sure she wasn't ready to talk to him. The machine picked up the call, and JD's voice was floating from across the room, quiet and tentative.

"Hey, Elliot. . .listen, um, I was thinking. I'm really sorry about earlier, I think I said some things I really didn't mean, maybe both of us did. Like, I don't believe your all about the sex. . .no more so than me." He gave a nervous laugh. "And I know that, um, that I've. . .look, Elliot, if you're there could you pick up the phone?"

There was a silence. Elliot let the phone slide from her grip.

From the machine, JD continued, "Okay, well, anyway. . .I'm sorry for the stuff I said earlier, and I kind of get why you left this morning and I'm not mad anymore. This whole thing. . .we just let it get out of control, don't you think?" JD paused as though waiting for an answer.

_Exactly_, Elliot said to herself. _Out of control. This whole thing with JD, all seven dysfunctional years of it, has gotten way out of control. How much easier would it have been to leave this as a temporary little crush? But, no, it had to go on and on, no way for me to control it, and now I'm at the point where it's always going to come back to him. . .and, holy frick, I thought I was done crying._

Elliot closed her eyes tightly, one hand tiredly rubbing her face. She wished he'd just hang up. . .

"And I'd really like it if we could just move past it?" There's a question in his voice now. "Cause you've been a really great friend to me lately. . .I mean, always, too. You've always been a good friend, one of my best friends. But especially lately." He sighed. "You get what I mean. And I'd hate to lose that over a stupid mistake and a stupid fight."

Elliot gritted her teeth and glared through her tears at the answering machine. _Use the word 'friend' more why don't you, JD? I love it almost as much as 'mistake'._

Another pause, then, "Well, that's all I wanted to say. I'm sorry, and I want us to be okay. . .I really wish you'd pick up the phone." He laughed a little. "It's like 2:30 in the morning. You're probably asleep. . ." He trails off uncertainly. "Well, bye." And there's another pause before the ultimate click and the final beep of the machine.

Elliot swallowed hard, then picked up the remote control and clicked off the TV, leaving the room in darkness.

She didn't want to keep hearing his words echo in her head, but she did. Not the awkward, fumbling answering machine words, but the words from the parking lot.

And they still hurt.

" " " " " " "

JD hung up the phone and groaned. He'd spent the past few hours, ever since he'd returned to his apartment, trying to work out what to say in that phone call, and he still felt like he'd muddled it.

His realization in the parking lot, that Elliot always ended up getting hurt because of him and his 'feelings', was still fresh in his mind. He had wanted to make it right, wanted to know that at least their _friendship_ could survive the fight.

He walked to his bedroom and flopped onto his bed, frustrated. It hadn't been much of a week. The argument with Kim, the ill-advised sex with Elliot (not that it had seemed so bad in the moment), and now this blow up.

He closed his eyes, hoping for sleep, and hoping to wake up to a reality that was easier to handle.

" " " " " " " " "

He got into work the next morning a few minutes after Elliot; he first saw her coming out of a patient's room as he was on the way to pick up a chart at the nurse's station.

For a moment they both froze, eyes meeting then snapping away, mouths forming tight-lipped smiles, awkwardness settling.

JD shifted his weight, licked his lips, and quickly began, "Did you get my message?"

"Yes. Yeah. I did. This morning."

"Right."

Silence settled.

"I'm sorry, too.", Elliot blurted out.

JD was momentarily confused, then answered, "Oh. Right. Good, thanks. Me, too. I said that. So. . ." He paused, finally stopping trying to avoid her gaze. "Are we okay?"

Elliot forced a smile. "Sure."

"Good."

"Yeah."

"So. . .I gotta get to work."

"Yeah, me too."

They walked off in opposite directions, and JD winced. That exchange had lasted about a minute (adding in the silences) and it been excruciating.

Oh, well. Awkwardness they could handle. _That_ they could recover from.

He stepped into his patient's room and addressed the woman standing by the bed. "Morning, Mrs. Latham. How're you doing?"

"Fine, thank you. How's my husband?"

JD glanced at the chart. "He's doing much better, but we want to keep him a couple more days to make sure the pneumonia's cleared up, and he'll be able to go right back, um. . ." He trailed off, scanning the chart again. Mr. Latham had been in a vegetative state for the past year; most of his patients in that condition lived in special longterm care homes.

"Back home." Mrs. Latham smiled a little.

JD glanced up. "Oh, yes. I'm sorry, I didn't, uh. . ." He trailed off.

Seeming to read his mind, Mrs. Latham smiled. "It's alright. A lot of people have referred me to homes for him, but I decided against it."

He looked at her curiously. The woman was only about forty-five, and he knew from earlier conversations that she had been a middle school teacher. He asked, "I think that's great, Mrs. Latham, but doesn't it, y'know. . .take a lot of time?"

"It does. But I gave up my job to be home with him."

JD smiled at her. "I think that's really great."

"Thank you."

"Well, I'll go check on getting some more meds for your husband. . ."

"Thanks, Dr. Dorian."

"No problem." He walked out.

" " " " " "

He was sitting with Carla and Turk at lunch when Elliot moved toward them with her tray. Her walk seemed to slow as he met her eyes, and she seemed on the verge of walking somewhere else.

She didn't, however, instead sliding into the open chair next to Carla. She and JD exchanged smiles, close-mouthed smiles laced with desperation.

They got through lunch conversing normally with Turk and Carla; they addressed each other with unnatural politeness, robbing the atmosphere of any ounce of levity no matter what the topic.

Both Turk and Carla picked up the discomfort, and JD was sure everyone was relieved when he picked up his tray to leave.

As soon as JD was out of the cafeteria, Carla smiled sweetly at Turk. "Turk, could you give me and Elliot a minute."

"But, baby, I'm not done with my burger yet."

"Take it with you."

Turk stared at her for a moment before realizing his wife was completely serious. "Fine." He stood up, cheeseburger in hand, and headed out of the cafeteria after JD.

"JD!"

JD turned and glumly greeted Turk. "Hey. You didn't have to come with me if you weren't finished." He indicated the remnants of Turk's burger clutched in his hand.

"Well, actually, Carla-" Turk stopped. "You know, I just had a sense that you were feeling down and maybe you needed to talk it out and whatnot."

Touched, JD smiled. "Thanks, Choco. You're a good friend."

"So, come on, man. What's up with you and Elliot?"

JD sighed, then reluctantly admitted, "Okay. I'll tell you. But you can't say anything to anyone else."

Turk rolled his eyes. "Do you want me to pinky promise?"

"Shut up. I'm serious, man, I don't want Carla to-"

"Dude, it's cool. I'm a vault. Go ahead."

"Fine." He hesitated, not sure how much to say or where to start. Finally, he simply said, "We slept together."

"I KNEW IT! I knew something was up the other day!" Turk exploded. "WHOO!" He began to do his "I was Right" dance, that JD was so familiar with.

"We hadn't slept together then." JD told him in a bored voice.

"Oh." Turk stopped dancing. "Well, I could sense it coming."

Slowly, the whole story came out. JD didn't delve too deeply into the realization of feelings, focusing mainly on the argument last night.

When JD had finished talking , Turk exhaled slowly. "Whoa."

"I know."

"Here's the thing I don't get though. . ." Turk seemed to be choosing his words carefully. "If you have feelings for her. . .why didn't you say something? Why put such emphasis on forgetting every thing and being friends? From what you said, she was getting pretty upset. . .how do you know she doesn't have feelings for you, too?"

JD's voice was quiet. "I thought about that. But I don't know for sure. And even if she does have feelings for me or. . .or thinks she has feelings for me, it doesn't change much. Every time I think I'm falling for Elliot again, it sucks. But I think she had it the worst."

Turk nodded knowingly. "You're talking about the 'I don't love you' incident."

"Yeah." He shrugged. "I just think. . .I don't want to hurt her again, man. I think we're better off just staying the way we are now."

"I get it. And, you know, the whole putting aside your feelings and doing what's best for both of you? I think you're being really mature."

" " " " " " " " "

"JD's just being immature!" Carla exclaimed heatedly. Elliot had just filled her in on the latest events. "I mean, just sweeping the whole thing aside and pretending it didn't happen? That's ridiculous! Pushing aside issues is no way to solve them, and no couple can make it if they don't _deal _with their-"

"Carla." Elliot interjected flatly. "JD and I aren't a couple."

"I know, and you're never going to be if you don't work out your crap!" Carla was becoming increasingly agitated. "It's such a _guy_ thing to do! Just act like it'll be better to pretend something never happened-"

"_Carla_. Are we still talking about me and JD?"

"What? Oh." Carla blinked at Elliot blankly before saying, "Yeah, of course we are. Sorry about that. But I am right. If you two are ever going to be a couple-"

"I would think that would require both of us to _want _to be a couple and JD-"

"JD got _that_ upset about you leaving for a reason! How do you know he doesn't feel the exact same way?!"

Elliot sighed. "That's what I thought at first, when we were fighting. But then he started talking about a mistake and on the message last night. . .God, he used the word 'friend' like fifty frickin' times. Talk about sending a message."

"Maybe." Carla said, obviously still doubtful.

" " " " " "

"I get it. And, you know, the whole putting aside your feelings and doing what's best for both of you? I think you're being really mature. . ." Turk's voice trailed off, an uncertain air to it.

JD looked at him and prodded, "But. . . ?"

Holding up his hands in defense, Turk said, "I didn't say 'but'. Did you hear me say 'but'?"

"You were about to."

"Okay, fine." He relented. "What you said before. About how you're better off staying the way you are now. What exactly _are _you and Elliot right now?"

"Friends."

At this, Turk snorted skeptically. "Yeah, you two were really friendly at lunch!"

Waving his hand dismissively, JD retorted, "This'll get fixed. We can deal with this. It'll be back to normal, and we'll be friends, normal. Just like before."

"And then what?"

"What do you mean 'then what'? We stay friends."

"_Really_?"

Frustrated in his lack of understanding, JD asked tersely, "What do you think will happen?"

"I think the same thing will happen that always happens! You're friends for awhile, but it always leads back to something more. _Always_. And maybe it'll be another four years before it happens again. Maybe it'll be a couple months."

"The whole point of this is that I'm not going down that road again!"

"Man, you can't _not_! Haven't you learned anything? You _can't_ be friends with Elliot and not let it lead back to sex or love or whatever the hell defines your screwed up relationship!"

JD was quiet, contemplating this. Finally, he asked quietly, "So what are you saying?"

Turk shrugged. "I'm just saying you should really think about this master plan of yours and how it's going to work out in the long term." He clapped JD on the back. "I gotta go."

" " " " " " " "

The next two days passed much like the first post-fight day for JD and Elliot. They were polite and formal toward each other, each moment excruciating with awkwardness.

JD was finishing his last few rounds, already looking ahead to the end of the week, when he would finally have something to cheer him up, namely Sammy. It still made him sad to think that Elliot wouldn't be coming over to hang out with them, but he was trying to forget about it.

Turk's words two days ago had been repeating themselves over and over since their conversation. Was it possible that Turk was right? Were they just trapped in a never ending cycle? If they were, what was he supposed to do about it?

He was standing by the nurse's station when a quiet voice said, "Dr. Dorian?"

He looked up from the chart he was studying. "Oh, hello, Mrs. Latham." He peered at the woman; her eyes were red, her cheeks tear-streaked. "Is something wrong?"

"No, everything's fine. . ." She said calmly.

"Well, I was about to get your husband's discharge forms-"

"Dr. Dorian, I'd like Jeff to be taken off life support."

JD stared, completely taken aback by this statement. "You want your husband. . .but, um. . .why?"

Her voice was still quiet, but completely steady. "Jeff and I never discussed this possibility. Whether he'd want to be kept alive. . .and I couldn't bear the thought of letting go when. . .when the accident happened. But his brother, Tom, flew in this week, to talk to me. He said that years ago, when the whole controversy with that Schiavo woman was going on, they'd discussed. He said Jeff had been adamant about not being kept alive by machines-" Her voice broke, the first audible sign of weakness. "Tom never said anything because. . .well, because we were all holding on to some ounce of hope for a miracle. But he says he's been feeling guilty about never speaking up. So now. . .now I'd like Jeff to be taken off the machines."

"Just. . .just like that?"

"It's what my husband wanted."

JD exhaled slowly, then said, "If that's what you want, we can do that."

So within an hour, he was in his patient's room. Mrs. Latham and a man who JD assumed was the patient's brother were surrounding the bed. Dr. Cox, who had treated to man when he first got hurt, hovered in the doorway. The brother had a hand clamped firmly on his brothers shoulder, and Mrs. Latham was holding her husband's hand as JD slowly turned off the machines and removed the breathing tube.

"It can, um. . .it can take awhile." JD said quietly. "Couple hours at least."

"Thank you." Mrs. Latham whispered. There were tears on her face, but she smiled at JD.

JD started toward the door, but turned around and blurted out, "Mrs. Latham?"

"Yes?"

He hesitated, not sure why the question was on his mind. "How do you do it? You quit your job, put your life on hold to take care of him and then. . .then you just. . ." He couldn't find a delicate way to put it, so he waved his hand at the now dying man in front of them.

She seemed to understand what he meant, because she answered gently, "I love my husband. And love is about sacrifice. And sometimes. . ." She drew a long shaky breath, her fingers stroking her husbands face absently. ". . .sometimes that sacrifice means knowing when to let them go."

A lump had risen in JD's throat, making it hard to form words, so he simply nodded, then turned and walked out of the room.

Dr. Cox followed him at a quick pace. "Hold it right there, Heather." JD turned to face him, his mind whirring. Mrs. Latham's words and Turk's words echoed in his mind.

"I know that look on your face. You're about to go metaphorical. This isn't _Greys Anatomy_, we're not obligated to learn something from our patients, and they don't always coincidentally mirror out problems!"

"But she's right. Love _is_ about sacrifice, that's what I've been trying to do-"

"I have no idea what you're talking about, and I don't want to know."

JD started off down the hallway. "I gotta go, Dr. Cox."

" " " " " " " "

"You two have been _killing _me with the trying pretend everything's fine. _When_ are you going to just talk to him?!"

"_When_ are you going to drop it?"

"Never."

Elliot groaned.

"You know you hate it! You know it's killing you to be like this with him!"

"Of course it is! But what am I supposed to do? What do I say?"

"Just tell him this isn't working!" Carla insisted. "Just tell him you can't keep going on like this, and then _tell him the truth_ before we all lose our minds!"

Elliot was quiet for a moment, then she said simply, "Okay."

Carla's eyes widened. "Really? That convinced you?"

"I'll talk to him. I don't. . .I'm not sure if I'm going to tell him _everything_ yet but. . .we need to talk about it. Sleeping together, the fight, all of it. And maybe. . ._maybe_ I'll tell him?"

Carla grinned happily. "Definitely do it!"

Elliot managed a smile. "It can't be much worse than it is right now, right?"

"This is what I've been saying!"

Pulse quickening as her nervousness and excitement mounted, Elliot said, "I'll go find him now!"

"Yes!"

She headed off down the corridors, looking for him. She checked around most of his patient's rooms and never saw him; finally, she headed to the on-call room, and was looking in the door when she heard a voice from behind her.

"Elliot?"

She whirled around, relieved. "JD, hey."

His face was twisted into an odd, unreadable expression, but she found she preferred it to the falsely smiling mask he'd adopted with her lately. His voice was much more natural, too, as he said, "I was thinking we should talk."

"Me, too!" She smiled at him, beyond relieved that he was open and willing to talk.

"Um. . ." His eyes moved toward the on-call room. "You want to go in there? So it can be. . .private, sort of thing?"

"Sure." She followed him inside; Elliot started to sit on one of the beds, but changed her mind as JD leaned back against the bunk beds, running his hands through his hair nervously. She leaned against the other bunk, facing him.

They were both quiet for a moment, then Elliot finally couldn't stand the silence. "JD, we can't keep. . .keep being like this. Like we've been lately."

"I know." He had been studying the floor, but now he looked up and met her eyes seriously. "That's what I was hoping to talk about."

She waited, breath caught in her throat.

JD was having to make an extreme effort to keep himself from addressing the wall behind Elliot, but he managed it, his gaze locked with hers as he said, "It feels like we keep coming back to this, no matter how hard we try to be just friends. And I've hurt you, a lot. I hurt you the other night, and I hate that. . ."

"Hey, I've hurt you, too." She said quietly. "I think the other night kind of proved there's no point in blaming anyone."

"Maybe. But the thing is. . .the thing is, I know I said I wanted us to let it all go and be friends again. Like normal. But say we do that. In another few months or a year or even four years again. . .it's pretty safe to assume, thanks to past events, that we're going to end up right back to where we were the other day. We're always going to go further. We apparently can't be friends and _not_ take it further. . ."

Elliot's breath had hitched in her throat. She moved forward just a little, off the bunk, looking up at him. "I know."

JD's expression twisted so he was making one of those faces that could be one step away from laughing _or _crying, no way to tell. "And that's when we get hurt. When _you_ get hurt. So I think we need to make a change to stop that from happening. Something we haven't tried, not really. . ."

Elliot could feel her lips forming a smile, her eyes bright as she continued to hold his gaze.

"I think we need to get some distance. From each other."

The smile dropped and Elliot drew back, further away from him, eyes widening. "What?"

JD's expression was pained, but his voice was determined as he explained, "We can't keep doing this, Elliot! And when we go back to being friends it just. . .every thing gets out of control. I don't want that to happen again, and if we just tried to get some distance-"

"Stop saying distance." Elliot interjected dazedly. "Say what you mean, you're saying. . .you're saying we shouldn't. . .shouldn't be friends anymore." He was quiet, and Elliot was desperately wishing he would jump in and deny it. "_Right_?"

His voice was barely audible. "I guess."

"JD. . ." She was pacing in front of him, raking her fingers through her hair, trying to think clearly. "JD. This is. . .that's stupid. That's so stupid, I can't-"

He put a hand on her arm and stopped walking. "I'm trying to protect you."

"_Protect_ me? From what?"

"From getting hurt again."

"And this is supposed to help?!" She was getting dangerously close to screeching, so, gripping one side of the bunk behind her, she began to take deep breaths, trying to get calmer. "Okay. . ." Her voice was determinedly rational. "okay, you're not, you're not really making much sense, JD. We're friends, you can't just. . ." Her voice died as her eyes met his pleadingly.

"Elliot. If we get through all this, become friends again, like normal -because these past few days, we've just been pretending, and you know that- _then _what happens? It's just a matter of time until we're doing something stupid again, and one or both of us is going to get hurt. I don't want that. Do you?"

He was trying to sound soothing and reasonable, but Elliot couldn't shake a feeling of panic and fear.

"I. . .you don't know it will happen-"

"We thought we were done last time."

She couldn't think of any argument, other than the fact that this was completely insane. Defeated, she sat down on the bottom bunk bed, and ran a hand over her face. Her voice shook slightly when she spoke at last, "So I don't even get a choice in this?"

JD sighed, sitting down on the bed across from her, staring at her imploringly. "C'mon." He said quietly. "Don't say it like that."

"Then don't _make_ it like that!" She shot back angrily. "Just, just. . ._don't._ Don't do this, JD, please. . ." There was a catch in her voice on the last sentence.

He stood up again, and faced away from her, blinking rapidly, one palm pressing on the closed door, his mouth twisting furiously. _Sacrifice_, he reminded himself. It was a moment until he was able to answer, "I'm sorry. I just. . .I think we need to try it."

Elliot's arms were folded in front of her body, drawn tightly in. She couldn't think of anything else to say.

"Bye." He whispered quietly, before slipping out of the door.


End file.
